Dear Jamesmaster,

Dear Jamesmaster: I've recently purchased 4.8 litres of Hagmann white wine for £3.80. Unfortunately it tastes like sour sherry and it makes my insides burn like sin. What can I do? Should I just pour the whole thing down a storm drain and chalk it up to experience? Rinse off the dog's shampoo? Trade it for cigarettes with a vagrant?

Foolish tippler! The solution to your problem was right under your nose when your initial lack of attention in the face of a bargain first got you into this pickle. However, this oversight can be easily rectified with my help: simply return to to the supermarket and purchse, in order, a large bottle of soda water, a bag of party ice and a plastic jug. These forces combined can be used to make a "mega spritzer" powerful enough to tame the mighty Torrontes you have chosen to battle. Enjoy your fizzy sherry water young adventurer! Until the next time and the next morning...